Being a solo dad
TL;DR
I wrote a long post about coparenting/being a single/solo dad and my personal journey through getting divorce. I deleted that and wrote these concise thoughts instead.
Thoughts about parenting rights
As a society, we need to find better language to describe parenting / families. Not all parents whether single, separated, married, divorced, widowed, in a partnership, or have a new partners etc. are in the same situation.
Every parent has different support networks, childcare commitments, restrictions, flexibility and needs.
It is much better to ask directly what their situation is like, than assume.
The quiet parents who never mention their family are probably struggling the most.
Many dads get a raw-deal from the courts during separation and divorce proceeding, and in solicitor negotiations.
Sadly this is because a minority of dads won’t see their kids, or won’t payany contributions towards their kids upbringing after divorce.
Obviously it is not the case for majority of dads, but due to a minority, most dads will get the raw deal.
Child maintenance payments can be a large % of income, you might be restricted access to kids only on certain dates/times of the week, and may receive no child benefit (as not the ‘non-resident parent’), along many other issues.
Parenting rights is a controversial and taboo subject, but for the sake of equality and bringing fathers rights into the 21st century, the topic needs more research and debate.
Personally, I feel courts shouldn’t use edge-case behaviours to punish all the dads.
By default, it could be shared custody, equal rights and equal access to their kids for both parents, rather than mothers preferences taking preference.
The mental health, physical well-being and economic burdens the current system puts on divorced dads is significant, overwhelming, traumatic, and, mostly under-documented.
If you don’t believe this, look at the stats:
“Divorce statistics can be wildly bleak: Ten divorced men commit suicide each day — a rate at least three times higher than that of divorced women.”
Sources:
fatherly.com/health-science/psychological-effects-divorce-fathers-men-suicide
stowefamilylaw.co.uk/blog/2017/09/09/ending-it-all-divorce-and-suicide/
It’s also worth reading about the great work of #fathers4justice, and campaigns around parental alienation awareness too.
How’s Tom?
Personally, I’m doing o.k. now several years on after a challenging separation & divorce. It was terrible at times, where I felt very depressed, struggling on many days
To ‘survive’ the divorce, and now to ‘survive’ another 12+ more years in this situation before my kids grow up… well that is a really long haul - a life goal?
It’s such a heavy burden to work full time, raise your kids solo, even when you don’t see them as often as you may like.
Working to survive: mortgage and household bills, school and hobby costs, child maintainance, saving for kids future… well there’s not much left, right?
If any dads are going through similar, DM on @thomashallam, lets chat. Take care!
Tom